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Are you a victim of The “Perfect” Parent Trap

admin — Sat, 14 Dec 2024 09:17:20 +0000

There was a time when I had a vision. The Vision of a perfect parent. For me, a perfect parent was like Bond. You know, James Bond. Cool and sophisticated, always ready for any eventuality. He has the skills and pieces of equipment ready for whatever comes his way. And yet, at the end of the day, his thousand-dollar suit is still intact and every strand of his hair is still in place. No, it doesn’t end there. After a gruelling day, he is still fresh enough, in the evening, to charm his love interest.

I was ready to be this Bond parent. During pregnancy, I read any material I could lay my hands on, on parenting. I was confident I knew every trick and technique of the parenting world. I had also located the best shops in the town to equip myself with gadgets as and when required. I was ready. Very ready. To be that perfect parent to my child. And then I became a parent.

Photo Credit: Tom Wang

The first couple of months went by fine. I had the skills, knowledge, and gadgets. I was the Bond parent. Just when I was beginning to think, I have got it all right, things started changing. As she started crawling, everything I knew went out of the window. No matter how many safety devices I would put, she would still manage to get hurt. Despite following the advice of the doctor to every dot, there would be times when her weight would fall. No matter how well I would plan my day, there were days when it would be nightfall before I would get an opportunity to get into the shower.

To top it all, you might have trained any number of people in your corporate life, but when it comes to your child, you would always fall short. I still remember a relative commenting on my lack of training skills just because my child was not toilet trained by 6 months!!!

The quest for being that perfect parent was a trap. It was a never-ending quest that was leaving me overwhelmed and anxious all the time. I had reached a point where I was beginning to lose the joy of being a mother. That was a big red flag for me.

Photo Credit: Monkey Business Images

Today, I am a proud parent of 2 beautiful teenagers. I have long given up on trying to be The Perfect parent. On this journey I have had some AHA moments which I summarise in three steps Listen-Adapt-Grow.

Listen

Our kids are constantly sending out non-verbal signals on what ails them. Irrespective of age, they say more without words. If someone asked me what training I should invest in to become a better parent, as a parent and coach I would suggest investing your time and efforts in honing listening skills and reading body language. It comes naturally when one is present in the moment. Knowing what is being said and that something is being left unsaid, promotes relationship building with your child.

Photo Credit: Fizkes

Adapt

NO ONE can train you to be a parent. Every child is different, every parent is different. Other parents, authors can share the best practices with you, things that have worked for them or people around them. Which as a parent you will listen and read and it will make perfect sense at that moment. But when the actual moment comes, they may or may not work, or will be forgotten. There are no ready-made answers to parenting challenges. What helps is keeping our mind open to learning as the child develops and changes. What works in one stage will not work in the next stage.

As a parent, it is my thumb rule to rely on the neuroplasticity of my brain. Our brain is truly extraordinary. It can learn and adapt to new circumstances. This happens daily. Neuroplasticity of the brain coupled with a growth mindset is the love potion of parenting.

Each time you face a parenting challenge, ask yourself:

What is my goal in this context?
What do I need to know/learn or get the child to learn to reach that goal?

Just be open to learning-unlearning-relearning.

Photo Credit: photo Tirachardz / freepik.com

Grow

The parenting path is full of guilt potholes. In my coaching journey, I meet so many parents who end up blaming themselves for how the child/situation could have been and could not be. Blaming ourselves and feeling guilty does not do any good in any form or shape. It does more harm. We are born with specialised neural groups and circuits throughout our brain called mirror neurons. These neurons are stimulated when we observe the behaviours of the people who raise us.

Thanks to these mirror neurons, children sense our guilt. Without consciously realising, they start mirroring our guilt and hold themselves guilty for every mistake. Instead of beating ourselves up for every parenting mistake we make, we should strive for acknowledging the mistake, use it for our growth and learning. This automatically instils a growth mindset in our children right from childhood.

Photo Credit: photo Tirachardz / freepik.com

Conclusion:

Our need to be perfect arises from our fear of the future. The uncertainty that comes with the future. As parents, we are hardwired to keep our progeny safe. Perfect parenting is our attempt in that direction. By trying to be perfect for our child, we try to future proof them.

The truth is, there is nothing called a perfect parent. And the future has been and will always be uncertain. The crux of parenting lies in learning and adapting as and when challenges present themselves. We have to remind ourselves: I will be ok, my child will be ok.

By Shalini Bindal

About the Author

Shalini Bindal is a coach certified by International Coaching Federation. She focusses her coaching efforts on Teens, Parents and Women. Shalini has an MBA in Human Resources and has worked in consulting firms for more than 10 years, consulting companies from the list of Fortune 500 like GE, Aviva, BMS etc. If you would like to help to move from holding yourself back to discovering a NEW YOU, check out her GET-SET-GOAL programme.

How to be a “Lazy” Parent

admin — Sat, 14 Dec 2024 08:57:40 +0000

As they say, children don’t come up with instruction manuals. And what that means is we parents end up spending energy on musing, ‘Am I doing enough?’ This thought becomes even more accentuated when both the parents are working. In the process of getting rid of the guilt, we end up doing more for the child that is required. This, in the process, becomes counterproductive, and the child ends up being labelled by the society as an overprotected spoiled brat. And again, the parents take the brunt. So, after spending energy on worrying about not becoming a good parent, we end up being judged as so. Where to go … what to do?!

In this article, I am going to write about two areas, which in my experience as a parent and coach, we the parents fret most about. These areas are also the most fertile situations to help children practice and hone their “executive functioning” skills. Once the kids get these skills right, we the parents can relax and be the “lazy parent”.

Anxiety over Uncertainty:

Anxiety is a feeling of not knowing what to expect next. If there is one thing that’s sure about life, that it is uncertain. Usually, the way tweens and teens react to the uncertainty and to overcome this overwhelming feeling of anxiety is, by using avoidance tactics.

Some of the kinds of excuses kids come up with when they are anxious:

I don’t think I should go for badminton try-outs. I am already doing too many activities.
I won’t be going back to the Debate club. Others are much better than me. I don’t want to be the reason for my team to lose.
I have a test tomorrow. I feel blank and I feel I don’t know anything.

As a parent, it bothers us when children come up with such excuses. We all know very well that these are ways to get out of the activity. We end up reacting by giving them long lectures on why they should do it and what all they can do to feel better. If we ourselves are in a bad mood, we shout and yell at them. All this leads to loss of time and energy and spoiling the relationship with the child. And even after all that, it does not work.

Photo Credit: Lonely Planet / unsplash.com

Instead, be a lazy parent:

Let the child grapple with the problem for some time. Usually when in grip of anxiety, children tend to look at it from only one angle. Be their sounding board and let them express themselves fully. Instead of giving the solution, ask them questions about the situations so that they can see it from different angles. Give them examples from the past when they had a similar feeling but were courageous enough to go ahead with it. Remind them how they felt when they overcame the fear. Making them write down what is the worst thing that can happen and what the probability of it actually happening makes it easier for them to see in black and white how one-sided their views are.

Do this with them a few times and eventually, they will start doing it themselves. This way, you are teaching them not to give up easily and imbibing Impulse control. You are teaching them to look at a problem from different angles encouraging Flexible thinking. You are teaching them to learn from the past to make their future better. And that is exactly what we want. You must remember, you will not always be there for them.

Photo Credit: Element5 Digital / unsplash.com

Schools and schedules:

The digital age we are living in has been called the knowledge economy. Academics and good education are a passport to good teachers, good schools, good universities, good career and eventually, good life. So, it’s natural for the parents to go to any lengths so the kids can do well.

Here are some ways parents I have coached have been “rescuing” their child:

I pack her bag each night as per her timetable so that she does not forget anything. Poor kids they have so much to do these days, these are some small ways in which I can help.
The science teacher this year is quite disorganised if you ask me. He did not tell students properly what the syllabus was for the upcoming Test. I had to email him to find out.
With laptops and books, the bags are so heavy these days. So, whenever he has soccer practice, I take his soccer shoes with me and drop them off at school. You see it’s not much of a bother for me but saves his energy.

Besides helping the child in the above-mentioned situations, I have come across parents who micromanage their child’s projects and assignments, not just in primary school but all the way into high school. Parents are available for their child at the touch of a button (thanks to smartphones and instant messaging). This, however, leaves no room for the child to solve a problem himself.

Photo Credit: Ddimitrova / pixabay.com

Instead, be a lazy parent:

Yes, they have work, they are hard pressed for time and, all these make them very tired. Doing it for them will make their lives easier but at what cost?

Most of us work with an assumption that kids either will take too long to do it or they won’t do it. There is another possibility that we mostly forget all about: that they do not know how to do it and that it’s our responsibility to teach them that.

These are all great opportunities to teach them three essential skills in executive functioning. Planning, Initiating and Organising. The starting point is to ask them what their goal in the task at hand is (Planning) and what they should start with (Initiating). After that help them to create an action plan and then a way to keep a track of the progress of their plan (Organising).

Once they get a hang of it, it’s a skill developed for life.

Photo Credit: pixabay.com

Conclusion:

In a bid to be a good parent, be aware that you don’t end up doing things for the child. Instead, support and guide your child in problem-solving. It is a slower process, but it helps in your child learning to problem solve, plan and tolerate the discomfort that comes from not feeling sure of the resolution. It is essential in the development of the child. Be a lazy parent. Be there for the child. To guide them. But let the child do the thinking and the actions.

Are there any areas of parenting you would like to be “lazy” about? We would love to hear from you. Write down in the comment box or reach out to shalini@kaleidoscope-workshops.com.

By Shalini Bindal

About the Author:

Shalini Bindal is an ICF-trained, Certified Professional Coach. She does personal and group coaching for Career Moms and Teens. Before becoming a Life Coach, she was an HR Professional and Corporate trainer. She also trains tweens and teens on Soft Skills including: Public Speaking Skills, Assertive Communication Skills, Social Skills. A mother of 2 teenagers, Shalini has lived in India, Belgium and now Hong Kong. Email her for a free 45-minute session (in-person or virtual) at shalini@kaleidoscope-workshops.com

Does your child feel Tongue Tied?

admin — Sat, 14 Dec 2024 08:41:53 +0000

As a 12-year-old, I was once visiting my grandparents in an overcrowded bus accompanied by a guardian. A nice lady, seeing my discomfort, gave me a part of her own seat. In the no-mobile phone era, it was common for strangers to converse with each other. The nice lady asked me, ‘where are you going?’

What was a general conversational question for her, was a trick question for my tween brain.

Should I talk to a stranger?

How many details am I supposed to reveal?

Should I tell her the name of the stop I need to get off at?

Should I tell her who I am going to meet?

My confused state of silence was judged as a misdemeanour. The fellow passengers were quite quick in passing a verdict on the whole generation as being insolent!

But the questions in my head were quite genuine!

Each time a teen coaching client narrates their social conversational dilemmas to me, I can’t help but remember my own innumerable dilemmas.

Growing up in nuclear families with busy schedules, rushing from one class to another can compromise their conversational skills.

Children express this lack of skills in different ways:

Unwillingness to go to social gatherings
Hiding behind their devices or books.
Giving monosyllabic/short answers when asked questions

Image Credit: iStock

To adults, it can come off as insolent and arrogant behaviour. For a parent, it can be an added pressure because it questions their parenting style.

Before labelling it as a behavioural issue and questioning your own parenting style, try guiding them on improving their communication skills. There are a lot of ways to go about this. I share with you, A way to go about this:

1. Set the stage: Identify the area they need to develop communication skills in: Some areas can be:

Small talk with acquaintances, strangers, extended family etc.
Voicing their opinion in group setting
Standing up for themselves in conflict situations
Apologising genuinely when they have done something wrong

2. Set the tone: Once the area has been identified, depending on their age, give them skills to address the area. In the case of older children, asking them to come up with ideas to address the situation is more effective than spoon-feeding them.

With younger children, give them something tangible to work with. For example, if small talk is their area for improvement, give them ideas on things they can easily talk about – hobbies, school, Shows, friends.

3. Show time: Once the above 2 have been identified and instilled, before a situation for practicing arises, prepare them for it. Revisit the situation and revise the skills.

For example: If you are planning to visit your extended family this summer, before your trip, tell your child what to expect and revisit with them what all they can do to make a conversation.

After the event check with them, what worked, what did not work, and what could be improved.

Image Credit: iStock

Good Communication skills are one of the most sought-after leadership qualities. A good communicator can express their ideas and feelings, influence people and build healthy relationships. As they say, catch them young. These skills get better with age and practice, so the sooner they start, the better their conversational skills will be.

About the Author:

Shalini Bindal, is a Professional Coach certified by the International Coaching Federation. Through her coaching sessions, she leads her clients from feeling Stuck to being Empowered. She empowers teenagers and tweens with group workshops on Communication Skills, Emotional Intelligence and Career Coaching.